As my girlfriend and I sat down at our usual spot at this coffee house we used to go to, I remember feeling oddly calm. I say “oddly calm” because we had been through a particularly difficult period in our relationship and we had come here to discuss what we were going to do about it. I was calm mostly because I had an exact idea of how we were going to approach this whole scenario (I had also begun a meditation practice and I believe the benefits were showing).
My girlfriend ordered a rooibos tea and I ordered a slice of pie. If I had to describe us based on our food choices, I’d call her fancy and myself a future diabetic. Regardless, as we finished ordering, I did something I usually do during meetings. I pulled out my journal and my iPad. Taking a bit of inspiration from Ramit Sethi’s Instagram posts, I had decided that we were going to approach this with the same discipline we would approach anything we would do at work.
That was the beginning of what I like to call our very unique take on our relationship. I like to call it “Business Class Love”.
So often, many of us seem to take our relationships and our partners for granted. We put absolutely no effort into them and then wonder why things suddenly imploded. Realize this. A successful relationship takes-
- A willingness to change.
- Effort.
Without these two, you will always end up staying the same. Both, in your life and in your relationship.
It is highly unlikely that two people will meet and be the perfect match for each other from the get-go. People become the perfect match for each other after a lot of trial and error. Like with anything in our life, the more you keep at something the better you get at it.
It’s not easy. There’s a lot of disagreements and arguments. But we do it with a smile on our face. We do this because we love our partners so goddamned much. With this thought in my head, we developed business class love. It’s been 8 months since that day and I’m happy to report that it was a resounding success. We’ve never been stronger. So, without further ado, let’s begin.
Schedule Check In’s/Meetings
That coffee date that we had that night is what I like to call our first check in. The first of quite a few. So, what is a check-in?
It’s basically a meeting. A meeting with your partner to discuss your relationship. I know that sounds likes something that every couple does but this is a bit nuanced. Usually what happens when discussions like these come about are that one person feels a need to talk due to something they feel is amiss while the other person is almost completely unaware. Or both partners drift off on their usual routine and never really ever make any sort of actionable change for the better.
This is different because both of you will have decided to devote a specific amount of time to discussing extremely specific issues in your relationship. You know. Like a meeting.
This leads me to a very important aspect of the check in’s which is –
Have an Agenda
Remember those presentations you were made to do in school? Imagine going up in front of all of your classmates with absolutely nothing prepared. No matter how great of a bullshitter you might be, you can be sure that most of the stuff that’ll probably come out of your mouth will be complete dogshit. This cannot be one of those situations.
Both of you need to be prepared for this. Both of you will have to bring an agenda with yourselves of items you want to talk about. You should have these written down, rather on your phone or on paper. Try to keep this list short. Preferably only 3 items for each of you. Only one of those items should be intense and try to keep the other one’s fun. Below is a picture of one of the agenda’s I created for one of our check-ins.
Notice how the most difficult topic is right at the top? In relationships and in life, it’s always smart to get the difficult, stressful stuff out of the way first. So, my recommendation is to start heavy and end light. Make sure the last thing you guys discuss is chill and fun. I recommend this so that your mind doesn’t start associating this activity with stress. By ending on a lighter note, you’re effectively making the fun of the check-in the last thing you remember about it.
If you’re having trouble coming up with topics for an agenda, this journal from Amazon might give you some ideas.
If you’re wondering how you’ll tackle something so heavy and not come out of it arguing with your partner, this bring me to my next point –
Be Objective
When you actually do begin to talk about the first thing on your agenda, you need to come at it from a non personal, problem solving headspace. Neither of you can afford to get too involved or overly passionate. This is going to put you back into the same patterns and this whole exercise will be for naught.
Keep in mind, I’m in no way asking you to not consider yours or your partner’s emotions. Just remember to always keep your eyes on the prize. Both of you want the same thing which is harmony in your relationship. So anything you guys do has to be in the context of harmony being the main objective.
Also, always make sure you’re taking notes. Have a notes section right beneath your agenda as seen above. Use it to take down helpful things that you and your partner have discussed and actions both of you have decided to implement. Make sure this isn’t fluff. Again, think of it as a meeting. Make bullet points that are actually important and will be helpful to both of you later on. Which brings me to…
Always Follow Up
After the first initial check-in, hopefully, you’re both motivated enough to have scheduled a second one as well. At this second check-in, take the first 5 minutes to follow up on what you’ve discussed last time.
You see, accountability is key.
We can discuss all day long about how we’re wanting to improve our relationship but without action, it’s basically a waste of time. And how do we make sure you’ll take action? By holding each other accountable. Take those 5 minutes and talk about how much progress you’ve made. When you make improvements and your partner validates it, it becomes a motivating factor for you to keep going and to keep improving.
And in the interest of continuous self-improvement…
Always Schedule the Next Check-in
At the end of every check, hopefully neither of you are burned out, make sure to schedule the next check in. Make sure you commit to it as well. Hit should be on both your calendars. If it’s not on your calendars, it basically doesn’t exist.
It doesn’t have to be every week. Every couple is different and has different needs. Me & my girlfriend started out with every week & eventually spaced them out to monthly check-ins.
Final Thoughts
Again, like with anything in life, consistency is key. I have found this system of relationship management to work extremely well. With a little custom tweaking, I find no reason to believe why this won’t work for any other couple. Just remember, be consistent & like a good investment account, the benefits will compound over time.
If you’re interested in reading more of my thoughts about relationships, I recommend my article about Insecurity & Our Relationships.
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