As an Indian kid growing up in New Delhi, India, I had my fair share of battles with comparison. Most of these originated from my parents though. It’s all still so fresh in my memory. It was the year 2001. A hot summer school day. I’d run home with the results of a test and proudly gave it to my mom or dad in hopes of appreciation. They’d look at it slowly. They’d say “well done, but how much did (insert annoying friend name here) get?”
If I had done better than them, great. If I had done worse, I’d get a shrug with hope that maybe I’d do better than him next time. How would I combat this? Make stupider friends? While I tried that, that really isn’t recommended.
Let’s back up a little bit though. We must first attempt to understand why we compare ourselves to others.
Why do we compare ourselves to others?
To answer this question, we must look to the writings of social psychologist, Leon Festinger. While I admit the research is a bit dated (published in the 50’s), it provides a solid foundation to base our understanding on.
Festinger basically came to 2 conclusions. We compare ourselves to others for the following 2 reasons –
- To define ourselves
- To reduce uncertainty
Compare Ourselves to Define Ourselves?
Whether we realize it or not, we all have a sense of self. We view ourselves in a certain way. For example, somebody might view themself as ethical, persuasive, emotional and needy. They might use a smattering of words to describe themselves. They formed these opinions about themselves over a period of time by comparing themselves to people around them.
They saw themselves being more ethical than others in certain situations and called themself ethical. They saw somebody being less emotional than themself and labeled themself emotional. Our experiences with other people help define who we are. They form our identity.
This is alright. To a certain degree. Just because I acted twice in school plays doesn’t mean that I should go out and audition for Broadway. It’s important to know where we stand with certain things (Although, I do know most of the lyrics to Hamilton by now).
The more self aware of us might recognize this and use this information to our advantage. The less self aware (i.e. most of us) might just be at the mercy of this very very human habit. But before we get on to my usual tirade about how something is bad for us, allow me to tell you about Festinger’s second conclusion.
Uncertainty Sucks
Let’s wind the clocks back quite a bit. Think of a time when humans were cave men and cave women. Our ancestors lived in the great outdoors, gathered food from the wild, hunted animals for meat, took shelter at night together and so on and so forth. It was a cruel & unforgiving world.
At that point in time, our ancestors needed to be hyper-vigilant. They needed to be aware of everything in their surroundings. They needed to be sure that there was no apparent threat to them. Any uncertainty would mean certain death. We also needed to know who was in charge. If it was somebody else, we needed to be certain they were stronger than us so that they may lead us. If it was us, we had to show it to make sure everybody knew that we were in charge.
Thankfully, the world has improved for us. A lot. Our lives have gotten significantly more comfortable. We no longer need to be aware of all our surroundings all the time. Unfortunately, though, the underlying need we had to be certain of everything has stayed with us. It may even have evolved and gotten worse.
We also have the internet now. So instead of comparing ourselves with people in our environment, we’ve actually grown to compare ourselves to people all over the world. Why? Because we can. It doesn’t matter if what we see online is a reflection of reality or not. With the fleeting nature of information we receive from social media, the damage has been done before we know it.
So. What can we do about this?
The Comparison Cure
Here’s a list of things you can do to avoid falling down the comparison hole that so many of us fall prey to.
1. Audit your Social Media accounts
What I want you to do is go through your phone right now and start up one of your social media apps. Preferably the one you use the most. I want you to look at each and everyone you follow and you’re going to IMMEDIATELY unfollow each and every account that has made you feel inferior, shitty or has made you think of less of yourself in any way at all.
The first time I did this, I removed about 30% of the accounts I followed. This was a mix of toxic friends that I never talk to, Social Media Influencers, celebrities among many others. I’m sure you’ll find a lot too.
After you’re done? Go and repeat this process with every social media account you have.
Remove the negativity in your life and stop feeling shitty. It’s really not that complicated.
2. Meditate
I know I probably sound like a broken record at this point. But I really recommend everyone give this a try. And this is coming from a completely practical, logical place. This has absolutely nothing to do with religion or spirituality. Meditation has proven benefits that directly translate over into our everyday lives. Among the many benefits, the two things that we’ll gain from meditation that’ll help us out with this problem are –
- Self-Awareness
- Mental Space
Both of these things go hand in hand. Introducing a meditation practice into your daily life will give you the space to be less reactive and analyze situations without giving in to them. So, the next time you start comparing yourself before you actually get caught up in it, you’ll realize what you’re doing and avoid the whole situation altogether. I have a guide on how to begin a practice to help you get started!
3. Audit your circle
This can actually make all the difference in the world. Take a close look at who you spend your time with the most. This can be at work, among friends or even someone from your family. Think of someone specific that makes you feel like a lesser version of yourself.
Distance yourself from this person. This can be hard. Especially if you are obligated to spend time with this person like a colleague or a family member. Always remember though, nobody, absolutely nobody should make you feel like you need to live up to something or someone. Especially someone’s expectations. From personal experience, one’s own parents can be especially guilty of this.
I am in no way saying that these are bad people in our lives. They may just not realize what they’re doing. But we must do what’s best for us and if that’s putting some distance yourself and this person? It must be done.
4. Foster Gratitude Within Yourself
This may seem obvious but we need to be more grateful in life. I know that seems like easy advice. Kind of like saying “eat less to lose weight”. True, but not really helpful.
I recommend getting a gratitude journal. Use it daily and just take 5 minutes penning down what you’re grateful for in your life. This simple act will help you stop comparing yourself to others and actually be thankful for where you are in life.
If you think you don’t have anything to be grateful for, I’d sincerely advise you to look again. Just start listing things you see in front of you and it’ll be extremely easy to start coming up with things. Here, I’ll help you start. “Access to the internet”.
See that? Easy as hell.
Final Thoughts
At the end of the day, the only person we should be comparing ourselves to is the person we were yesterday, the day/month/year before that. It only ever makes sense to use ourselves as a guide for improvement because our story is unique to us and nobody will ever be in the exact same situation as you. This is the kind of comparison that can actually help us.
Always remember, as long as you make one small step that brings you further along in your journey, you’re doing well for yourself. Like with anything in our lives, comparison can be both, a good and bad thing. Let’s lean on the good side of things.
Comparison. Comparison.